I'm Fried... totally spent

Wow... It's been over two weeks since I posted. So much has happened, and I don't think I can convey all of the emotions that surround my experiences.

My son moved into college. He is my youngest child, so I am "officially" an empty-nester even though he lived with his dad during high school. He's in St Paul, MN and seems very happy! (One bright light to my two weeks...)

My ex-husband is arguing about money for the kids... which is ridiculous. So, I just continue to pay and pay and pay because I don't want the kids to feel bad.

All on the same day, I learned of one daughter's cancer scare, another daughter ended up in the hospital in ICU, and another daughter got incredibly angry with her dad and I. It was a VERY BAD day...

I spent a week with my 92 year old mother-in-law. She's very strong for her age, and only called me by my husband's ex-wife's name once. That's darn good for an entire week!

My work is blowing up and out of control. Period. Can't comment much other than that without going NUTS.

I'm under investigation by my company's Legal department, and the FCC. It's oh so fun trying to resurrect documents from 2004 through 2009...

I feel guilt for firing two people two weeks ago... I had to do it, but I feel so bad for them. I need to interact with them to transition their work, and to give them personal recommendations for new jobs. It's hard to talk with them.

My cat continues to crap on the floor.

I haven't stuck to my healthy living plan. Eating comfort food is good when I feel like crap and am stressed out. So, I end up disappointed with myself.

Oh well.... each of these things deserve their own post with lots of emotional outpouring. I just don't have the energy to do it. I'm exhausted. I need to sleep. I need to wake up energized to take care of my work... because I could lose my job very easily with all of the corporate restructuring. (Our CEO announced that downsizing will continue throughout 2010 and beyond.)

I'm going to take a hot bath, read a book, and fall asleep early.

Nighty Nite.

Ron Dayne shops The Pig

That's right folks... Ron Dayne, former Badger superstar and NFL player, shops at Piggly Wiggly in Waunakee.

I saw him today as I strolled down the snack aisle. Turns out this NFL free agent lives in my little town.

I made a grown man cry...

Yesterday was an AWFUL day. The word "awful" doesn't really convey how horrible the day was for my coworkers and I.

Yesterday, my business unit received the definitive word on the new downsizing effort.

I had to let half of my Wisconsin staff go. (I only have one Minnesota person, so she was retained.) I literally have 1/3 of the staff that I had 8 months ago... but more responsibility and work. I've dropped from 9 employees to 3 in WI, and inherited the whole State of MN as a new territory. Oh yeah, the company only gave me one salesperson to cover the entire state of MN!

First, I needed to inform "Whiny Boy". Even though he whines a lot, he's a good guy and a hard worker. He moved into a new job in January 2009, but before that he was always 200% of quota. He expected to be let go, but was devastated nonetheless. He has two young kids (one with a heart condition) and two mortgages. He actually broke down and CRIED... and left with a hug from me. It was horrible.

Then I had to tell "Mr. Silver Tongue", named after his gift for gab. He's 62, has colon cancer in remission, with a wife that may have a brain tumor (yet undiagnosed), and not financially able to truly retire. He just didn't believe it. I didn't know how to handle the disbelief. Mr. ST was basically IN SHOCK. He was so shocked that he walked around the office for the next 7 hours talking to everyone and anyone about it... basically asking people "why him?". He was very mad at me too.... especially when I told him "why him".

We also lost several very experienced people that support my sales team... which was unbelievable how deep the downsizing cut.

Then I told the remaining two in WI and one in MN.... the remaining staff was shell-shocked. Others within the company contacted me and "the remainders" all day with "why Mr ST?". My remaining employees felt bad, as if they were survivors that didn't deserve to live. I had to justify my decision... ALL. DAY. LONG. Albeit, Mr ST does sell a lot, continually exceeds his quota, but isn't interested in learning the new technology that we sell. Still, he is beloved and everyone in Wisconsin (customers included) will miss him.

My job was saved. I wonder why I was lucky enough to keep my job. If it was my decision, I would have been downsized. I just don't have enough direct reports left to justify my managerial position. Even some of my employees feel that they aren't worthy of keeping their jobs.

Today we tried to rebuild the team. It was surreal... sad but honest in what we are tasked to do. And I talked with many nervous and concerned customers.

AWFUL.
HORRIBLE.
EVERYONE IS HURTING.

I know I am paid to do a particular job, but I don't have to like it.

My heart hurts for the ones that lost their jobs this week.